This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
