Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
