so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
