OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
bring money and cleavage
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
