Tell her she can't have a vagina
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
