Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
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Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.