At least make sure they are 18
Why
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
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Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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