A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you win again, gameday.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.