I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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