it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
