He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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