I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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