Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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