Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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