Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
