The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
