Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
