Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
