I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
