Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
