my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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