My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
