The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
