We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
