I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
