What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
