my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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