I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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