The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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