everyone is single if you try hard enough
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
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