they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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