fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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