I am puke
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
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Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
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Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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