I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
