So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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