I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
