3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
