Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
