i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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