I didn't shave. On purpose
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
