Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
