Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
