Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
