Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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