I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
