there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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