i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
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