seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
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Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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