drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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