i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
third nipple confirmed
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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