I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Found your dick twin last night
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
