I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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