I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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